Resolutions are out Intentions are in
Most New Year's resolutions fail because they rely on shame, focus only on the end result, and set goals that aren't realistic. Instead of making resolutions, identify your core values and set intentions that match them—this approach helps you create lasting change that fits your actual life.
Why Resolutions Fail (Spoiler: It's Not About Willpower)
- Shaming yourself into action. A grad school professor once told me, “don’t should all over yourself.” The phrase has stuck with me. Should = Shame. Ask yourself first, “Do I need to?” Second, “Do I want to?” If neither of those are true, let it go. (e.g. I should stop yelling at my kids. → Do I need to stop yelling at my kids? - Maybe. → Do I want to stop yelling at my kids? - Definitely.) So we adjust our thinking to: I want to stop yelling at my kids.
- Focused on the finish. Focusing on the outcome of things like “workout daily,” “lose 25 lbs,” or “stop yelling at my kids” are outcome focused, not process focused. And as someone motivated by maintaining a streak, I can tell you that when you inevitably break it, motivation is out the window. HOW are you going to do these things. If I want to stop yelling at me kids is the outcome the process might include:
- When I feel like yelling, I can:
- Stop and take a breath
- Count to ten
- Throw ice as hard as I can into the bathtub (it works for all ages, folks)
- Notice how tiny they fingers are, reminding myself they're only children
- When I feel like yelling, I can:
- Unrealistic/Unattainable. Part of SMART goals is the “A”, attainable. Do you exist in a space with systems that support these changes. I would love to take five trips this year, but I do not have the time, finances, or capacity to make this happen. I might have the space to go away for one weekend and take one week vacation somewhere in the country. Most resolutions are idealistic not realistic. Reflect and be honest about what life looks like for you right now.
Are we doomed to be the same person year after year?
No, I refuse to believe that, or I wouldn’t be in this work day after day guiding people through change. I always tell clients, "I want you to live a values driven life." So first, What are they? Have you reflected on them lately? Ever?
Check out this card sort:
https://www.motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf
Print them off or write them down in the columns they fit for you (important, neutral, or unimportant) Here’s the tricky part. Pick the top ten in the imporant column and then rank them. These are your guiding values. The ones to be reflected in all the decisions you make.
Now you’re ready to set your inentions for the year.
- How do I want to feel?
- Confident? Less Anxious? (Free write here no judgment)
- What do you want to focus on?
- Where intention goes, attention follows. Ever go car shopping and suddenly see that car everywhere? Exactly. When we decide on things, our brain looks out for them more. It’s part of why we tell parts to “catch” their children being good. When you’re wired to notice all the poor choices they make that’s sure to be all you’ll see.
- What’s going to get you there?
- In 2025, it started small for me as an investment in “bricking” my phone. A small device that locks the apps I don’t want sucking up my time or my attention. Over Christmas break it was locked for three days. My longest ever. When I’m not mindlessly scrolling, I’m less irritated when interrupted. Silly, I know, to get irritated when you don’t even care what you’re seeing, but it was reactionary for me. I hated it. This year I'll layer this habit with another, charging across the room. When I only check my phone before bed it disrupts my evening and takes away from the only time I get to be an adult and a spouse. I'd rather talk to my partner than send him funny reels.
These intentions and habit-stacking strategies align with values of time with family, and have the added bonus of being better for my own mental health/sleep hygiene. Now instead of a vague "yell less" resolution, there's an active, values aligned process to do these things.
TL;DR
Be realistic and kind to yourself. Attainability is your friend here. That doesn’t mean you’re taking the easy road. It means you know what will push you a touch out of your comfort zone without throwing you into the deep end with no floaties.
Find your values, and put your intentions and attentions toward new year goals that align with them.
