A Simple Plan for Setting Limits that Actually Work

In our office, we very frequentlyget asked, “How do I get my child to listen?”

Unfortunately, the answer isn’tquite that simple. We can’t force a child to listen to everything wesay. And, in reality, we don’t want to raise kids who blindly obeyauthority without question. We want to raise thoughtful adults who learn to usetheir own logic, reasoning, and discretion to decide when someone is worthlistening to—and when they aren't!

You’ve probably noticed that some kids seem naturally wired to cooperate, while others push back on almost everything. When a friend talks about how her child does what he’s asked without a fight, it's easy to wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”

The truth is, some kids aresimply wired for compliance, while others are wired for autonomy. Some kids don't listen because, in that moment, they genuinely believe that listening toyou isn't the right choice for them. And as hard as that is for us to hear, their underlying motivation often makes sense to them and may actually bring some value to their decision-making long-term.

While you won’t really change achild’s temperament through discipline, there are ways that you can helpa child to learn from the choices he makes—even when he chooses not to listen to you.

An Evidence-Based Limit Setting Model

In play therapy, specifically Child Centered Play Therapy, we use an evidence-based method of limit setting that helps children make decisions based upon clear information. This model allows kids to understand the reasoning behind an adult's boundary (which is never "Because I said so!") while exploring whether they want to respect that boundary or accept the natural outcome of a different choice.

This model is replicated in work with parents, caregivers and educators. We share this model with parents and caregivers in a model of play therapy called Child Parent Relationship Therapy (and alternatively teachers in Child Teacher Relationship Therapy. This isn't an unrealistic technique that only works inside a playroom; it’s designed for real life—whether you're at home, on the soccer field, or in a classroom.

What You’ll Love About This Model

1. The responsibility shifts to the child: The child owns the consequence, not you. This removes the emotional weight of feeling like the "bad guy."
2. It respects their motivation: By acknowledging why they want to do something first, kids feel validatedrather than attacked or defensive.
3. It protects your relationship: Traditional punitive discipline can erode trust. This model preserves your child’s self-esteem while maintaining firm boundaries.
4. It provides total clarity: The child knows exactly what to expect and gets to choose their path. Your only job is to calmly follow through.
5. It simply works: It transforms power struggles into moments of skill-buildingand decision-making.

Setting Limits: Step by Step

This process is broken down intotwo steps.

Step 1 sets the expectations andprovides alternatives, and appropriate choices. In most everyday situations, Step 1 is all you will need. When the situation is more challenging and Part 1 doesn’t create a resolution, then Step 2 will be needed.

Step 2 clearly outlines thedirect connection between choices and consequences.  At that point, the child will make a choice.

• A – Acknowledge - Acknowledge the reason for the behavior. This has to do with the desire to engage in the task, curiosity, frustration with what is being asked, etc.
• C – Communicate the Limit - Clearly state that despite thereasoning (A), the limit or expectation is being set.
• T – Target the Alternative - Provide the child with options that will assist in accomplishing the task or meeting the initial need.

So often in our work with children, we hear that a child shows a behavior that has a specific need orcause (attention, energy release, frustration, etc.) but when a limit is set, it completely disregards the child’s need or motivation for the behavior. Take aggression for example. When a child isaggressive, she could be frustrated with something that just occurred. She could be so energized that she doesn’t know what to do with her energy. If the adult tells her to stop being aggressive but does not give her an alternative to meet that need—especially for young children—the likelihood of the behavior stopping is minimal.

ACT Limit Setting Example

If we continue with the example of a child who is aggressive, here is how the ACT model would play out:

• A: I realize that you are so frustrated with your brother for what he just said to you.
• C: But your brother is not for hitting.
• T: If you need to get that anger out, you can jump on the trampoline or squeeze your squishy toy.

What Happens Next?

At this point, your child hasthree choices:‍

• Option 1—Chooses an offered alternative: She goes to the trampoline. The need is met, the boundary is held, and life moves on normally.
• Option 2—Chooses her own safe alternative: She decides to stomp her feet instead. As long as her alternative is safe and appropriate (e.g., not hitting the dog or kicking the wall), this is great; it shows problem-solving, not defiance.
• Option 3—Ignores the limit and keeps hitting: The boundary was breached, and it's time to repeat Step 1, or move directly to Step 2.

Step 2: The “If You Choose” Statement

In this step of the model, you will use specific "choice language" so your child understands that continuing the behavior is an active choice to accept a specific consequence. And alternatively, a choice to stop or change the behavior is an active choice toreceive a more pleasant or desired outcome.

This can be the most difficultpart of the model for most adults. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a tried-and-trueconsequence that every adult can use in every circumstance. The key tolong-term learning is selecting a natural consequence that is related to thebehavior.

Ask yourself: “What is themost logical outcome of this situation in a real-life scenario?”

"If you choose to continue (undesired behavior), you choose (consequence). If you choose(desired behavior/to stop undesired behavior), you choose, (desired outcome). Which do youchoose?

In this example, the language would be:

“If you choose to continue hitting your brother, you choose to leave the room. If you choose to stop hitting your brother, you choose to stay and play with us. Which do you choose?”

OR

“If you choose to continue hitting your brother, you choose for your brother and I to leave the room. If you choose to stop hitting your brother, you choose for us all to stay here together. Which do you choose?”

OR

“If you choose to continue hitting your brother, you choose not to go to the playdate today. If you choose to stop hitting your brother, you choose to go on the playdate today. Which do you choose?”

All of these choices include a natural consequence that sends the message: when you hit people, people don’t’ want to be around you or you don’t get to be around people.

Following this step, the child makes a choice, and you then act accordingly. If the child continues with the undesired behavior, you say “I see that you have chosen [consequence].”

In this situation, if the child continues to hit, then you say, “I see that you have chosen for us to leave the room” and then you and her brother simply leave the room (or whichever consequence had been offered).

Important Tip:

Only offer consequences you can easily enforce. Forcing a dysregulated child to go to their room can escalate into a physical power struggle. However, you and her brother walking into the other room is much more within your control. Choose the path of least resistance for yourself so follow-through has a better chance of success.

Tips for Practicing at Home

Because this script feels unnatural at first, it takes practice. The first few times you try it, you might fumble your words—and thatis completely normal! Expect a learning curve and keep practicing.

As you begin implementing this formula, keep these rules inmind:

1. Use the ACT model, including every single component. It can be tempting to jump right to C or forget the T. Without A, C and T, this model does not work!
   A –Acknowledge the reason for the behavior as validation or understanding of wherethe behavior is coming from,
   C—Communicatethat even though the child has a valid reason for the behavior, the behavioritself is not acceptable, and
   T—Target analternative option that you have deemed appropriate. It is best to offer atleast two options so that the child has a chance to make a choice.
2. Repeat ACT if needed.You do not need to jump right to “If you choose” language. If you do decide to repeat, limit to no more than 3 times.
3. If the child chooses analternative you did not provide, that’s OK. Resist the urge to see this as defiance and see it as your child using problem-solving skills and outside ofthe box thinking.
4. Keep “I” out of the consequence. Avoid saying "If you keep doing that, I am taking away your tablet." Saying" You choose..." keeps the control—and the responsibility—squarely in your child's hands. It removes you from "badguy" mode.
5. Rehearse in advance: Practice formulating ACT statements for your child's most common struggle areas (bedtime, screen time, sibling conflicts, etc.). Doing this when you are feeling calm increases your chances of success in-the-moment.

Want to practice applying this limit setting formula? Use this Limit Setting Worksheet to brainstorm options for natural consequences foryour child’s specific behaviors!

Want to print the ACT model as a reminder for yourself? Use this as a daily reminder; post it somewhere you will look often to keep ACT limit setting at the top of your mind.

‍

‍

‍

‍

‍